A LETTER FROM CHRIS SUAREZ

ALMOST TWO DECADES OF PARTNERSHIP

On the eve of my 19th wedding anniversary, there are so many things I have been thinking about and could write about. 

I could write about gratitude, commitment, relationships. I could write about patience, forgiveness, grit. I could write about challenge, love, compromise.

But this week I’ve been thinking about partnership. Over a period of 19 years, you experience a lot. There are highs. There are lows. There are all the in-betweens. There are moments of glamour and moments of tragedy. Nineteen years in, almost everything that life has to throw at you, it has thrown. Some of those things I handled well. Some of those things I didn’t handle so well. That’s where partnership comes in. Here are a few of my key take-aways of what makes a partnership so valuable and permanent:

Decide that you want it.

We have to want a partnership. If we don’t, it isn’t fair to the partner. Once we decide, then play all in. Being on the sidelines of the partnership or doubting the partnership won’t do anyone any good.

Accept that you need it.

We have to accept that we need the help. If we don’t, we will push the help away, we won’t be in a place to accept the help, and we will be unwilling to exhibit the humility necessary for a true partnership.  There are moments when we want to be independent. We want to make the decisions. We want to believe we can do it on our own. It takes time to adjust to a partnership, sometimes many years. 

Be willing to give and take equally.

Real partnership is based on giving your best and accepting their best. If we find ourselves only giving, then resentment is sure to set in. If you are only taking, then be ready for that same feeling to show up in your partner. It’s important to both architect and design opportunities to give. At the same time, there will be moments that situationally will call on you to give. Just do it. When you can do it.

Choose to move forward and grow together.

One of the most common reasons given for a breakdown of partnership is unequal growth between the partners. One may feel that they have “outgrown” the other. They have changed. They think differently. They have become a different person. That is always a choice. Good partners bring their partners with them. At times we may need to slow down for each other. Other times we need to be willing to speed up for each other. That is part of partnership. Just choose to move forward together and grow together.

Commit to sacrifice and flexibility.

Commit right now that there will be moments that you will need to sacrifice for each other. That could be sacrificing rest, adventure, doing something you would prefer to do or something you would like to have. You may sacrifice your idea or opinion on behalf of another. All partnerships call for flexibility. That is one of those things that I struggle with to this day. I can be committed to my ideas, stubborn in the way I do things, and borderline inflexible. Learning to be flexible in all of my partnerships has been a journey, but a secret to their long term success. Flexibility shows respect and value to your partner.

Communicate always.

Communication is an everyday process, event, and promise. When things aren’t going right, we tend to go internal to figure out why. In that moment, we have immediately given up on a few of the tenants of partnership already. A slow down in or a lack of communication is the beginning of a breakdown in any partnership. Enjoy the easy conversations. Have random fun conversations. Don’t run from the difficult conversations. And learn the right timing for all of those.

Once you decide that you want a partner, there is beauty in acknowledging that you need it. When giving and taking equally, the relationship is strengthened and the value of the partnership increases. Always take steps forward together and be willing to take steps back together when needed. In the process you will grow together and build a deeper relationship in the process. Remember that flexibility is a superpower that will help you learn to want to sacrifice for each other. A constant flow of communication about both important and trivial will keep the partnership oiled.

It’s hard to put two decades into a few paragraphs, but my relationship has taught me more lessons than any number of books could even teach. For that, and for many other reasons, I am eternally grateful and will always believe in partnership.

Chris Suarez