A Letter from Chris Suarez

BE A CHILD AGAIN

Good Morning Team,

At some point this week I realized that one of the most commonly printed, stated, and used words of the year has been RESILIENCE. As I stopped to think about it, I can certainly see why. It also made me realize that I was building a team, a group of friends, and a family that used that word consistently.  It reminded me that I had placed myself in an environment that gravitated towards or focused on “resilience" in lieu of “pandemic” or “recession” or “social unrest”…all words that have also been quite popular in the media and the world outside…just not inside.  More on that later.

First I began to unpackaged what resilience really is, where it comes from, and whether or not we could actually build it or grow it. Is resilience something we either have, or don’t have?  Are we born resilient?  Can we lose our resilience?  

The definition of resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”  Well immediately, I know that all of us either ARE resilient or CAN BE resilient…because it is based on our capacity to do something.  Each of us are capable.  The second part of the definition is “the ability…to spring back into shape; elasticity.”  This is where the work might come in.  We may have the capacity, but do we have the ability?  Well, ability is just a learned trait or skill. So again, all of us either ARE resilient or CAN BE resilient. 

The word elasticity stood out to me this week specifically.  Earlier this week my nine year old daughter was walking on the top of a log that protrudes out of one of the sand dunes here at Cannon Beach.  It has been there for as long as I can remember and it's just a few steps away from our house, and we pass this log almost every time we go for our walk on the beach as a family. Countless times I have told her not to walk on it as she could fall…and of course, countless times she has hopped up and walked down it like a balance beam and then nonchalantly jumps off the edge and into the sad a few feet below (yes, I know there is another lesson there for me as a parent).

Well this week my fear was realized.  As we walked out to the beach this week, I looked back just in time to see her slipping off the wet log, her little body slamming against the log, and bouncing off of it like a doll, finally falling the few feet to the ground below - head first.  

Immediately I ran over, holding back the urge to say “didn’t I tell you…” because I was convinced she had multiple broken bones, or potentially worse, from the look of her fall.  Before I could even reach her, she hopped up from the sand, exclaimed in a proud almost singing voice “I’m OK!" and was brushing herself off.  Those two words “I’m OK” have become part of her almost daily language.  As I reached her side and confirmed she was indeed unscathed, without a scratch even, I couldn’t help but tell my wife “I can’t believe how resilient this kid is”.  And there it was.  That word again.

In that moment, the word “elasticity” couldn’t be a more perfect description of children.  At a young age, as our bodies and bones are still growing and forming and bending, we are far less prone to serious injury and broken bones.  I assure you if any of us had slipped and taken the fall that Lilly had, well, we may still be down on the sand.  This caused me to begin really connecting resilience with elasticity.  

Interestingly, our bones don’t fully ossify until we are between 18-23 years old.  We were created and formed with the need to be flexible or resilient.  Yet at some point as we physically grew, many of us became emotionally or psychologically rigid.  

Psychological resilience is the "ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly."  As we think about that, how much calmer would the world be right now with a bit more psychological resilience?  It may be the single most important quality to cultivate at this very moment!

So what can we do to be a child again and display resilience?  I propose to you the THREE P's.

1.  Program

Program and control your thoughts.  In cognitive behavioral therapy the first step to change something about ourselves is to change the nature of our self-talk.  This self-talk will reinforce our beliefs.  And our beliefs will reinforce our actions or habits.  We need to adjust our self-talk to eliminate conversations around how difficult, overwhelming, or challenging a situation may be.  We can easily begin to believe “we just can’t handle it” as opposed to ensuring our self-talk includes our affirming “I got this” or “I know what to do.”  A good friend of mine constantly says “It’s fine.”  Those two simple words repeated and affirmed will go a long way in building resiliency.  Remember, "Im OK!"

2.  Prepare

Prepare for challenges, crises, bumps, and detours.  As a person who bumps up against OCD and perfectionism, it's a daily challenge to prepare constantly for the unexpected.  If I don’t prepare for the challenge, and even expect it to arise, then I certainly won't be ready to demonstrate resilience when that challenge shows up.  How well we prepare for the unexpected is key.  Coaches and sports psychologists will have their athletes go through a process called visualization - whereby they literally visualize everything happening exactly how they intend for it to happen and at the same time visualizing everything that could possibly go wrong.  

Karl E. Weick, a professor of organizational behavior at the University of Michigan Business School wrote, “There is good evidence that when people are put under pressure, they regress to their most habituated ways of responding.”  Prepare for pressure.

3.  Power

Assuming power over our actions, environments, responses, and  results will lead to greater resilience.  This is based on us adopting an internal locus of control.  When we perceive that we are in control of what is happening in our lives, it will compound our resilience.  It will counteract perhaps our even a more natural leaning towards the external locus of control.

One of my favorite studies (except for the fact that they used animals in the study) related to personal power was completed by Martin Seligman in the late 60’s.  He found that dogs, rats, mice, even large insects, that received mildly painful shocks over which they had zero control would eventually just accept the shocks, without even attempting to prevent them.  He called this study “learned helplessness”.  

Years later Albert Ellis wrote about his ABCD Model:  

C (emotional consequences) stem not directly from A (adversity) but from B (one’s beliefs about adversity). They then learn D (how to quickly and effectively dispel unrealistic beliefs about adversity).

We must do everything possible to beat “learned helplessness”.  The minute we begin to believe we do not control an outcome is the moment we become just that, helpless.  Do not let your mind and body and emotions learn helplessness.  Our resiliency is built on the foundation of power and control.

There are certainly other habits we can work on in order to build resilience:  eating healthy, getting rest, exercising, developing strong relationships.  All of these things reduce stress and allow us to build and develop our programming, preparation, and power. 

But let’s revisit for a moment the resiliency of children.  Although it is true that their bones and bodies have perhaps a bit more elasticity than our own, more importantly at that young age, their psychological and emotional flexibility is a model for all of us.  The win here, is that we can control that.  There is nothing that scientifically ossifies our psyche or emotions.  Our experiences, our environments, our upbringing, the people we spend time with will play a part in how flexible or rigid we become - all of which are choices.  

Children are resilient as they have not yet built these foundations and walls and truss systems of facts and opinions and beliefs. Every time my daughter has fallen and gotten hurt, I have been there to make it better.  She has no other belief than the fact that temporary pain will subside and her world will move forward and improve, as it always has.  This allows her to take risks (like walking on a wet log), explore, be curious, and find continued happiness in the present moment.  Children are constantly learning, and adjusting, and asking, and changing.  They see the world as it is for them in that very moment…not as what they think it will be or should be.  

Perhaps the most important skill on our path to resilience is our ability to see reality.  Too often as adults we add filters and lenses to the current situation based on past situations, blurring and clouding our vision.  Children stay in the present reality so well.  Resilience sits on the shoulders of reality. 

So, wake up this morning and be a child again.

In resilience,

Chris Suarez